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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24411031">Release</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, TW: Self Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:28:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,281</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24411031</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Maddie, do you want to die?” He had to ask, her answer was going to determine his next move - whether he had to take her to the nearest hospital or whether he was going to drive her home and make sure she booked in with Frank at the next available appointment.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Madney One-Shots</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Release</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I don't feel so good." Her voice was quiet, just loud enough for only him to hear as her grip tightened on his arm. It was pure instinct when the back of his hand moved to her forehead, a frown on his face. “You’re a little warm, has it just come on suddenly?” </p><p>There was a look on her face he hadn’t seen before, a mixture of desperation and embarrassment, “I-I, n-no, um...” It’s when she nervously looks around, the knowledge they’re in a crowded room that causes him to take her hand in his own and pull her towards the always empty Captain’s office. With the door closed, Chimney finds himself looking her up and down, before he asks the question, unprepared for the answer that falls from her lips, “What’s wrong?” </p><p>“A-after the Vincent thing, I’ve been... struggling. I was feeling everything all at the same time - guilt, anger, sadness, hatred, fear, everything - and I had to get it out, I had to... release it and I.” He couldn’t shake the sudden bad feeling that caused his heart to drop - he knew after she had saved the life of a man who truly didn’t deserve it, that she was still coming to terms with what feelings it had brought back to the surface. </p><p>The first night after it had happened, Chimney found himself staying up the entire night as he held her in his arms, feeling every time she tensed in her sleep. She was jumpy for a few days after, a slight flinch when he touched her, often deep in her own thoughts as he was left to wonder exactly what she was thinking about. Whether it be Vincent laying there covered in his own blood, or Doug laying there that fateful day in the snow. It had been barely a week, and he had tried so hard to be there for her whilst also giving her the space he so desperately hated giving her. </p><p>It wasn’t until she rolled up her sleeve that he truly regretted any decision he had made to back off. His breath hitched, and he found himself grabbing her arm before he could stop himself. “You did this... to yourself?” It wasn’t as though he hadn’t seen or treated similar cuts on so many other people. But this was Maddie, his Maddie and she knew better. “When? Maddie, this needs stitches, it needs... looking at.” How he had managed to keep his voice calm, he’d never know. He could feel his girlfriend trembling beneath his touch and he knew, one wrong word or movement from him would cause her to close up within seconds.</p><p>“A few nights ago, I don’t even remember doing it. I just remember after, staring at all the blood, and then I felt ashamed. I-I treated it as best I could until the bleeding stopped...” She was used to treating her own injuries, he had to remind himself of that, but this was different. This was something she had done to herself. </p><p>With a sigh, he gulped, “It’s starting to heal so it’s too late for stitches,” When she sniffed, he looked up from her arm, taking a deep breath so he could have just a few seconds to think about what he was going to say before he said anything he regretted. “It’s going to be okay,” Those were the words he finally settled on, “It’s slightly infected, which isn’t surprising considering which is probably why you don’t feel too good right now.” </p><p>He finally let her arm drop gently back to her side, watching as she shoved the sleeve back down before his hands moved to either side of her face, his thumbs brushing the tears away tenderly. “Maddie, do you want to die?” He had to ask, her answer was going to determine his next move - whether he had to take her to the nearest hospital or whether he was going to drive her home and make sure she booked in with Frank at the next available appointment. </p><p>“No! God no, I fought so, so fucking hard... t-to stay alive, I don’t.. I don’t want that. I just needed something, I just... needed the distraction. And it doesn’t make sense and I don’t expect it to make sense, I just needed something.” He could sense the anger in her words, feel the frustration she had with herself - and as much as it didn’t make sense to him, he knew it didn’t make sense to her either. </p><p>“I need you to find a new something, do you understand?” His eyes brimmed with tears, not for the first time, but he was trying so hard to be as strong as he could for her. It still felt as though she had just ripped his heart from his chest, just knowing he was probably fast asleep a few feet away in the next room whilst she could have bled out. He swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes connecting with hers as though he trying to determine if she actually understood. </p><p>“It won’t happen again.” The words sounded honest, but for the first time since he had met her, he found himself full of distrust for the woman in front of him. He hated himself for not seeing it and for a second, he hated her for thinking hurting herself would be the answer. </p><p>“I’ve got some antibiotics leftover from... many injuries... at home,” He hoped not taking her to the hospital wouldn’t be something he’d live to regret, “Let’s get you out of here and I want you to phone Frank’s office in the car, I need you to book an appointment for tomorrow, okay?” He was glad his voice was calmer than he felt right then, as his lips moved to her forehead and he breathed her in for just a second before she nodded. </p><p>When she whispered “Thank you,” He felt himself freeze, the confusion evident on his face when she pulled back to take his hand. “For not hating me, for not... dragging me to the nearest psych ward, for not.. running out there and telling everyone you’ve somehow ended up with a complete headcase and--</p><p>“Don’t call yourself that. We’re allowed to make mistakes, we’re human. A-and this was a mistake, right?” </p><p>He was almost afraid of the answer until the firm nod of her head came, “It was a mistake and I don’t want it to happen again.” He made note of the way she carefully worded it, as though somehow, in a way he could never understand, it was completely out of her control. He wanted to tell her to hit him next time she felt it (an idea she would probably never agree to, but was it really any worse than what she was doing to herself?), he wanted to give her a million and one alternatives but none of them would be helpful. </p><p>“Thank you for telling me.” That was what he finally decided to say out loud, no matter what he wanted to say, no matter how much he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her, and tell her how good life could be if she just didn’t self-destruct. Instead, he pulled her as close as he possibly could, his face hiding in her long hair as he closed his eyes. It took everything in him not to burst into tears before he took a deep breath and pulled back.</p><p>When her hand reached for his, he felt the staggering amount of trust she had put into him and he managed the smallest of smiles as he gently squeezed her hand, “Let’s get you home..”</p>
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